Me, before kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* That’s odd, I’ll pick that right up.
Me, with kids: *sees loaf of bread in middle of kitchen floor* Oh, I see it’s Tuesday.
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Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
5yo: I love tv
Me: if you love it so much, why don—
5yo: I’m going to marry the tv
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Kermit goes Blue.
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
To every YT creator out there
Never put text on the bottom..
Biggest mistake in my life.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
This weekend, I’m taking an Uber to visit my parents, and then tipping extra so the driver does the visiting for me while I wait in the car. With the savings on my therapy bill, it should all balance out.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
Her: come over
Me: are your parents home?
Her: no 😉
Me: what?! BRETT AND CINDY ARE AT RISK!