Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *offering joint* wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: first time we’ve seen a giraffe eat a human

I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.

[restaurant]

WAITER: Would you like a booth or a table?

TERMITE: [handing back menu] The table sounds delicious, thanks

If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?

I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.

don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.

I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it

I should wash my van
We could use the rain

Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?

Kid: Yep

Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher

Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking

Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?

7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.

Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.

OMG, GODZILLA IS COMING TO ATTACK NEW ENGLAND AND WE’RE ALL GONNA DIE-oh, he said huge blizzard, not lizard… Carry on then.

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

me, trying to order a floral arrangement by phone:

Hi, what is the price of something…flowery? Yes, I’d like a floral arrangement made of flowers. Do I have any preferences? No….just something floral….like, with flowers. Something with petals. Thank you. 🥴

Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.

“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”

– inventor of the bagpipe

Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?

Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.

My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.

This cat looks like Wilford Brimley

This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.

[During an interrogation]

Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly

Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here

Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”

Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”

[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]

Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about

If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.