Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
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I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
wishing you and yours all the best
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
ME: I like a girl with a bit of ink
OCTOPUS: Oh hey
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
I don’t get treadmills, I mean if I walk I better reach somewhere.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I dont smoke, but still wanna take smoke breaks, so I go outside with everyone then just stand there with a lit birthday candle in my mouth.
[during sex]
him: Im so sorry. This literally never happens
[takes out telescope to watch comet]
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror