Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
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Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I dreamed I won $10 million on a slot machine so you can imagine how thrilled I was to wake up and get ready for work.
I could never work at subway because I’d say, “I got your foot long right here,” no matter what the customer ordered
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
Me: Please finish your drink
4: Don’t say it like that!
Me: Please consume the entirety of the liquid in the receptacle in front of you
4: Okay
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
when people give me directions and they’re like “you can’t miss it” i’m like, oh you do not know what i’m capable of
[intently gazing out the window for my sandwich delivery guy like a widowed sailor’s wife longingly staring at the sea]
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Just so we’re all clear: NASA is getting a direct feed from a robot on Mars, but I still can’t make a cell phone call from my basement.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
likes 853 pics in your media, don’t make this awkward boo.