My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
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me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
A 12 step program but it’s just me getting off the couch.
Karma has taught me to never laugh at a stranger being attacked by a seagull.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Technically, all restaurants are drive-thru it just depends how committed to the task you are.
The 7 dwarfs of allergy season…
Sniffy, Sneezy, Stuffy, Wheezy, Runny, Itchy, and Dopey.
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
Politics is so confrontational now. I miss the old days, when we settled our differences with *raises glasses to look at history book* war
People who say “Everything happens for a reason” don’t appreciate the irony when I push them down stairs.
man: wait
time: no
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?