Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

Remember that time when we got trapped on a ski-lift for 4 days, then the acid wore off and we were just sitting on my grandmas porch-swing.

Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.

Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?

Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.

My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.

i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”

guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

Sorry I yelled “…just killed a man” when your baby called “Mama…”

I had to grease a lot of palms to get to where I am today

*cut to me oiling up tropical trees*

haha excellent

Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots

Him: You don’t have Russian roots

Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*

People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.

I’m playing hide and seek with my 6yo. I’m underneath a pile of laundry, and she just walked right by me. This is exhilarating. It feels like that scene in Jurassic Park when the kids are hiding from the raptors.

6am: makes coffee
6:20am: grabs cup
6:21am: plugs in coffee maker

5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going

I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.

Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.

guys PLEEEAAASEEE does anyone have the original pic of this thread it’s been on my mind for 2 days now

can they shut down Teams instead of tiktok

Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.

Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?

Pastor: no

Me: rain down frogs?

Pastor: what the?

Me: plague them with locusts?

Pastor: NO

Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.

Me: I need a “pick me up”
Guy working the crane:

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*

I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle

I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.

of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool

i think they should have thrown one avenger in with all the scientists in oppenheimer. just one little tiny scene where oppenheimer, feynmann, and fermi are sitting around like “well, what do you think, Ant Man?”

When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”