Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.

the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum

The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.

accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..

Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.

screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.

outlook just asked me if i’m “enjoying” microsoft outlook. as if it is not the Torment Portal

Take care of yourself, ladies

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.

How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it

friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“

the track:

Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?

Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.

I need an Amazddy. It’s like a sugar daddy, but they randomly pay for the stuff in your Amazon cart.

Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?

My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.

*orders delivery*

My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.

I should go back to school –> I should take an online course –> I should watch tutorials on YouTube –> I should watch news bloopers on YouTube –> I’m hungry

Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.

Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂

Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.

Me: I’ve had a breakdown.

Tow truck company: Where’s your car?

Me: Car?

Cool shirt 🙂

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot