Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
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Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Tough love is true love
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
why tf did we learn state capitals?? when has anyone ever “topeka is the capital of kansas”’d their way out of a real problem
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
Urgh. Trying to buy a copy of Catch-22 online but the seller won’t post it until I’ve paid and I won’t pay until I’ve received it.
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
Sad news. My girlfriend Lorraine has dumped me.
She found out I was seeing another girl called Claire Lee.
Good news is, I can see Claire Lee now Lorraine has gone.
I’m not leaving a will. My final act will be giving my family one more thing to fight about.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
[at the aquarium]
Son [pointing at a large tank]:
daddy what’s that
Me: tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can’t handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.