Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.

Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.

This is a really bad idea. When do we start?

I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.

The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.

Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell

Options For My Knees Being Shaved:

1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.

2. No cuts but patches of hair left.

3. Sasquatch.

Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”

Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”

They grow up so fast. One day they are tiny babies, the next they are pulling out of the driveway, and you’re all “oh no oh god how did the toddler get the car keys???”

Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death

Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk

me when someone’s obsessed with me: yikes

me when someone’s not obsessed with me: wtf

*gets lockjaw when putting on eyeliner*

My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.

I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.

I said “Happy”

Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.

Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.

I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.

Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.

ME: Is it true you can smell diseases?
MY DOG: Yes
ME: Well do I have any?
MY DOG: Yes, you’re insane
ME: Wow you can smell that?
MY DOG: No

At my elementary “graduation” my teacher was retiring, and the teacher giving the speech kept saying the event was about her, which was odd. But now my family has a running joke with every graduation, award, wedding etc where we go “Congrats, but really this is about Ms.—–“

sheep: hey give me my jeans back

wolf: no I need them for this idiom

*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”

2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged

~ This is a running joke

Whenever someone mentions rat poison part of me imagines a tiny rodent cover band playing 80s power ballads.

Most of my one night stands happened because they knew they would get a fabulous breakfast the next morning.

i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet