Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.

(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”

Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.

Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.

[job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful

I wish I was as consistent as the poppy seed that finds the space between my two front teeth

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.

ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?

CEO: [under breath] Genius

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

mom: you’re grounded for today

me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me

[10 years later]

amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm

I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.

My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.

i don’t need to touch grass i need to touch one million dollars cash

If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home

An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.

HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off

ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair

When I take a minute to focus on my own life.

I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.

ME: So how fast are you at making suits?

TAYLOR SWIFT: …

Tuesday

I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”

The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.

My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.

[phone rings]
“Mr Hughes?”
“Yeah.”
“We need u to come pick yr son up from school.”
“Ugh. Whats he done now?”
“Nothing. Its nearly midnight.”

Currently being yelled at by my sour patch 5yo daughter for “not playing Barbies right” bc I decided to make mine a 9-year-old girl from Brooklyn who sounds like she has smoker’s lung and lives above a pizzeria.

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.