I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
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*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
😭😭😭
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
How broken is your spirit?
Me: Imagine a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
I read through all of What To Expect When You’re Expecting and it did nothing to prepare me for the day my teenager started calling me ‘bro’
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
[Crime Scene]
Detective: Looks like the killer used a wheelbarrow to dump the victim.
[in the shed a wheelbarrow grins, his seventh kill]
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
Me: “Is this seat taken?”
Him: “There’s an open stall right next to me…and this is the men’s room.”