Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ok that baby hippo is adorable but how did 90% of my timeline become baby hippo overnight without me ever searching hippo content.

“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.

Hot tip for dog owners:

Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.

My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.

them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:

ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!

kind of f***ed up that good girl is sexual but I can’t say good boy without feeling like i’m trying to play fetch with him

young jesus: mom where do babies come from

joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?

I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.

Very sad to announce I need to cancel the 2020 Boston Handshaking Festival.

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog

Me: How old is your daughter?

Her: She’ll be 4 next week.

Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.

Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

[Giraffes at gym]

“What do you want to work on today?”

Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.

“So…neck day again”

You bet

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.

me: I’m not the stepfather, I’m the father that stepped up

wife: they’re your biological children and you don’t have to say that every time you climb a flight if stairs

Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.

Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.

You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.

[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?

STUDENT: great, I grew a foot

TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday

[Bartending]

Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin

Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

Me: it’s about the journey not the destination

Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver

Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…