me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
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Therapist accidentally sent me her cat
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
Cinderella taught me that everything will work out just fine so long as you have unconscionably small feet.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
*uses Oujia board*
ＳＭＥＬＬＳ ＬＩＫＥ ＵＰＤＯＧ
me: what’s updog?
ＮＯＴ ＭＵＣＨ, ＤＯＧ, ＪＵＳＴ ＡＢＯＵＴ ＴＯ ＰＯＳＳＥＳＳ ＹＯＵＲ ＣＡＴ
me: what
cat: what
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
A: OMG what happened?
B: Worst dentist appointment I ever had
A: I mean are you okay?
B: oh sure, it’s not my blood
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Server: Have you dined before?
Me: Have I d- like in general?
Server:
Me: Yeah. Yes.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.