Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Found a card from Christmas with $100 bill in it. So now I have a retirement plan. Phew.

Assuring my wife that we are just meaningless organisms in a bleak, indifferent world doesn’t seem to be helping her get over her bad haircut.

Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]

Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me

[dinner date]

Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.

Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}

My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.

i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix

My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever

If you’re depressed, start exercising.

You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.

Introducing WifeChat™ the app where you talk to your wife

Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?

Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance

[Halloween]

Lady: what are you this this year?

Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.

Lady: *faints*

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”

hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?

me: I guess me

hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you

me: that feels like even more reason to tell me

[Afterlife]

Bird 1: All he had was one rock.

Bird 2: His aim was perfection.

First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

me: three breakfast sandwiches, two everything bagels, four chocolate donuts, and coffee

drive-thru person: how many coffees?

me: one please

Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.

This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee

The hairdresser asking me what special plans I have for the day like this wasn’t it

I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question

I just need to go ahead and admit it.

I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho

I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her

Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.

Cyberman: I am allergic to gold.
Elf: I’m allergic to iron.
Cyberman: I’m made of iron.
Elf: I can make gold appear at my fingertips.
Cyberman:
Elf:
Cyberman: We should probably stop seeing each other.

If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.

“Can someone call me a doctor?!”

You’re a doctor.

“Please I’m losing my patience!”

You’re a terrible doctor.