Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
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The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
Them: what book would you take to a deserted island?
Me: idk, “the idiots guide to survival”
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My Phone autocorrected “wish you were here” to “wish you were beer” and I sent it anyways
The Whole Foods next to this movie theater is perfect if you want to sneak in your own snacks, but don’t want to save a lot of money.
DATE: …your profile said you were a bodybuilder?
ME [assembles crash test dummies for a living]: that’s right
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
[first karate lesson]
Me: *entering dojo* BONSAI!!!
Sensei: Do you mean ‘Banzai’?
Me: *just starts chucking little trees at Sensei*
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
[first day of zoology class]
me: what fighting style do geese use?
professor: excuse me?
me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese
professor: i don’t think-
me: tae swan do
they should invent a type of situation that improves.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
one time in med school I lost my pokemon coffee thermos in the hospital so I retraced my steps but couldn’t find it and I got sad so I went to the cafeteria for a cookie and the clerk was like “haha I like ur thermos” and I looked down and guess what I was holding the entire time
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.