Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name

But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?

*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”

Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.

Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door

My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”

Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish

Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*

Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home

Me: Holy shit

My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”

I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.

professor x: what’s your superpower?

me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease

professor x: tell me more, tell me more

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’

Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’

Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’

[date]
Date: I thought your Tinder profile said you were a gym owner
Me *eating a hotdog and scanning for Pokemon*: yes that’s correct

wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.

There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.

me: is there a doctor on this plane?????

doctor: i’m a doctor

me: my mom wants us to meet

Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.

Me: *looking at phone*
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: *says something*
Me: Uh huh.
Her: Oh, yay! I was afraid you’d say it was too expensive.
Me: Crap.

ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough

Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.

Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.

Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?

Me: because you’re a pessimist.

Shout out to everyone who cooks at 180°C for 20 minutes, no matter what the instructions say.

….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise