finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
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Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
in the mid 20s liminal space where if u entertain dinner guests half the people r gonna bring a $30 bottle of natural wine and beautiful salad the other half are going to bring themselves and the largest bag of flamin hot cheetos u have ever seen
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
Me: [watching football]
Wife: [silently reading a book for three quarters of the game]
Announcer: That was a huge sack!
Wife: BAHAHAHA HUGE SACK
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Phone rang. Caller ID said FUTURE US. I determined that it was me calling from the future to give myself important information. I answered and it was indeed me, but I was only trying to sell myself aluminum siding.
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.