Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless person

I don’t like to talk about it

Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.

What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.

Industry heads warn the cost of airfare will continue to rise, at least if passengers keep whining about things like “doors falling off” and “having their luggage.”

My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.

I made my bed and found a half eaten stick of butter in it. When I asked my child if she put anything in mommy’s bed, she said “I did not put butter in it.” The mystery continues. More at 11.

I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.

*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*

-Law & Order sound

The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.

*calls male escort service*

Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”

“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.

date: I’m really into dark humor

me, turning off the lights:

wanna hear a joke

i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud

When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”

Things I constantly worry about pressing:

1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spot

Yes, this list is in order.

We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’

*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*

*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*

An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.

Every time I pull a gun at the bank, the tellers act so stuck up.

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

Do I like to live dangerously?

I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick

Oh really? We’ll see what the same 6 people who always agree with me think about that

When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂

{concert}

lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!

me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC

“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb

What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?

None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.

Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.

There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.

[Gets out of bed]