Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*Smashes the Sony

*Destroys the Panasonic

*Pummels the Kenwood

*Rips apart the Pioneer

~breaking all stereotypes

Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.

The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.

When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.

And by “younger” I mean yesterday.

I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live

HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly

Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.

The reason cats are so pissy is they’re God’s perfect killing machines but they only weigh 8lbs and we keep picking them up and kissing them

My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.

Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.

TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS

*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick

Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)

I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”

me: [jumping out of a cake]

skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience

Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!

Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh

If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

“Your copier’s not working right. My copies all came out blank.”
“Looks like you ran them through wrong-side-up.”
“So, what, I need to flip them over?”
“Or we could turn the copier upside-down but that seems like a lot of work.”

an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard

The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.

piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists

me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper

No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong

Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest

Sir, you’re going to have to leave.

Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again