What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
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Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
sorrey im bad with names. im also bad with faces,, i put my grandma in a headlock, thinking she was the kid that stole my bike in 3rd grade
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
The only bright side to food poisoning is weighing yourself when it’s over.
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
I’d walk over cotton balls for you
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
Threw my garbage in the dumpster noticed I didn’t have my wallet. After looking everywhere, I fished out the garbage bag with an ice scraper. Found my wallet in the garbage but my keys fell in. After considerable more effort I have my keys. And I’ve only been outside 20 mins!
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
Lmaooo she has seen it all😭😭😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.