me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
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*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
One time I broke up with a girl so she took my silverware divider and that’s the kind of pettiness I look for in a mate.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
I really hate when people derail normal tweets with their own upsetting lore. You’ll be like “it’s great when grandparents are active in kids’ lives” and someone is like “well ok but my grandmother literally went to jail for killing my parents and is currently on the loose??”
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”