Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me, noticing that no one responded to my email yet: “Wow, rude.”

Me, noticing that I have an email in the “Scheduled” queue in Gmail: “Oh.”

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

gollum: *coughs on ring*

frodo: you know what, keep it

Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?

Them: That’s called flavour

Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

exactly when does the govt start using the vaccine microchip to control my brain because frankly I’m tired of making my own decisions and could use a break

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

ok hear me out: Luigiana

me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”

Tired of being single? Just lower your standards a bit. My new girlfriend is a coconut taped to a mop.

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

– So tell me about your date.
– It was ok. He’s a Detective Inspector, currently working undercover in a butcher’s.
– Sounds a bit dull.
– Yeah but there’s more to him than meats DI.

Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!

*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes

I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae

If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.

Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.

Welcome to Bed Bath & Beyond, here’s your gun, shoot anything that comes out of the Beyond

Kids are fun because they’ll barge in the bathroom when you say “don’t come in, I’m naked” and then get mad at you because you’re naked.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.

most villains can be defeeted with a simple bone saw.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.

Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later

The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten

choose your fighter

99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.

Wife: Don’t tweet that

Me: *thinks about it*

Wife: I’ll divorce you

Me: *thinks harder*

Wife: And give you all 4 kids

Me: *hits delete*

It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.

Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.