May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
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Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
90% of having a cat is frantically telling your partner to quickly and quietly come into the room bc your cat is sitting in a cute position
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
we must combat the global scourge of underage baking
SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?