How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
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I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Me: I only use one side of my brain.
Them: Which side?
Me: The bad one.
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!
Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Social media is proof that even mental hospitals have WiFi.
My toddler rolled over in his sleep and said ‘No Mommy’ and smacked me in the face. I have to clue what I did but I now understand how my husband feels after I tell him I’m mad at him for something he did in my dream.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
Has anyone tried ejecting 2020, blowing on it, putting it back in and hitting play?
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]
WIFE: I want a divorce.
ME: Is it because of my small wrists?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: [taking off bracelet] Then take your ring back.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
[1st Date]
Her: Ask me something you really want to know about me…
Me: Ever had the urge to water balloon fight someone until death?
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances