Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…

yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away

Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.

I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”

(First date)

Me: So Pamela, do you enjoy being a psychologist?

Her: *smiles* Yes, but you dont pronounce the P.

Me: Oh I’m sorry Amela.

HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.

that de-escalated quickly

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

am dying at this guy in the abercrombie&fitch netflix documentary explaining the concept of a shopping mall

The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.

2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it

I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing

So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns

My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.

My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash

I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?

Whore it is.

To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri

there is no sex i lied you are gonna lay here and take personality quizzes w me

My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol

My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.

Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.

My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Just donated six (6) fire emojis to charity.

I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.

Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.

The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.

Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.

me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]

mortician: sir