Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny

*6 opens piggy bank*

Me: wtf where’d you get all that?

6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know

Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*

Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*

Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection

Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.

[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]

People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer

it’s so over update: accidentally pushed the button that set my desk into standing mode but couldn’t be bothered to get up so spent 10 mins like this until someone walked past and shamed me into resolution

I like my women with curves.

Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.

BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala

Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

You know what I respect about Shaquille O’Neal? He endorses and invests in everything. Gold Bond? Yes. Papa John’s? Hell yeah. Epson printers? You know it. I just saw his name on an office chair at Office Depot. This man owns 150 Five Guys. That’s 750 guys

“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.

“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:

5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)

Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?

So basically life is cancelled
Except work

How convenient

[planning heist]

LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?

*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*

“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”

– my neighbor

“how can you be single?”

*smirks*

gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out

Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”

I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

product manager: what color should we make the bottle

guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine

What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”

Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”

Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”

As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day

[armed robbery]

gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops

me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards

robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*

Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.