Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer

ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey

MIL: I never wanted you in this family

GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing

*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*

GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!

When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.

I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.

My husband asked me to put him to sleep with a happy ending…

*reads a book “and they lived happily ever after”

Mmmm yeah, you like that?

My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.

Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:

*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~

Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.

5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.

Me: So?

5-year-old: My life is falling apart.

Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie

I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.

I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…

“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”

“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”

Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?

3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*

Me:

Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman

your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out

When I first went on the pill, I put on a bit of weight. Which proved to be a very effective contraceptive.

My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year

Kids: you burned the popcorn

Me: you gave me stretch marks

Being a mom is easy

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.

I know this now.

[Obamacare Meeting]
*Biden raises hand*
*Obama sighs* Yes Joe?
Will the doctor still have lollipops?
Sure.
*Entire Congress sighs w/ relief*

If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down

The Golden Globe goes to…

Burrito

… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.