[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
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Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR, WE’RE LATE!What my kids hear:
Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
me working on my assignments ^-^
Your car took up two spaces, I tried to move it over with my key.
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Them: Grandpa, tell me about the 90’s
Me: Well, first of all, all the bizkits were limp
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
My goal whenever I open my car door is to have a bike rider crash into it and hope that they are escaping from a crime scene.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
whenever I see a lady mail carrier i’m like ok slay that’s a woman in a mail dominated field
I dunno when it stopped, but I’m kinda pissed that no one celebrates and gives me a sticker when I shit anymore
Me: *skips*
My body: HEY REMEMBER WE CAN’T DO THAT ANYMORE
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”