Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
You Might Also Like
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
I thrive on chaos!
*breaks spaghetti noodles in half*
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
the only difference between 15 year old me and current me is that if i fell off of a skateboard now i would die.
I’m never more independent than when a spider offers to help me with something.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they’re bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.