Prayers for my distraught 4yo whose pet leaf just blew away in a gust of wind
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I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?
Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
Me: How old am I?
Brain: Give me a minute.
Me: What’s my email password?
Brain: I don’t remember.
Me: Why’d I walk in this room?
Brain: I have no idea.
Me:
Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
GUY WHO NORMALLY APPLAUDS WHEN THE PLANE LANDS RIGHT BEFORE THE PILOT CRASHES INTO A MOUNTAIN: boo
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
Giraffes were invented in 1780 when three horses accidentally swallowed a ladder
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
I just want an internship man
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him