me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
You Might Also Like
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
Robert the Bruce is the worst name in history. It’s like hi I’m Bob the Tom and this is my friend Todd the Ted.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
What’s the point buying it then?
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
Saw @justinbieber on a piece of toast. Am I going to hell?
Hockey is like trying to push a potato bug with golf clubs while the players roller-skate on ice to house music.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together