Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.

“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”

– Corporate ants.

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?

Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.

Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention

but whales can’t sink a sub

ORCAn they?

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?

[Budapest airport]

IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?

ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.

[coding]

I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot

*ten minutes later*

I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.

Like how I slid in “anal”?

Like how I said “slid in anal”?

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

my surgeon thought i was in my mid 30s and says i’m fit, trim, and look amazing. should i give him my number before or after he cuts me open like a fish?

If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination

I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends

Batman: I’m the world’s greatest detective, you’ll never stump me

Riddler: what’s your secret identity

Batman: Bruce Wayne you idiot

Riddler:

Batman: you absolute fool

gender is a just a scam made by big bathroom companies to sell more bathrooms

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.

My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.

*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*

ME: Hon, wtf?

HER: push up bra

*[at the sperm bank]*

I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.

[Coffee line]

*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.

can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude

“Oh shit that sounded important,” I exclaim as I vacuum and don’t stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.