Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
You Might Also Like
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
[first day on the job]
Newspaper editor: Don’t worry, you’ll have supervision
Clark Kent: *sweating* Who told you?
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
Do I want to join the Illuminati, bot?
I AM the Illuminati.
bolsonaro eating kfc for the first time then immediately being rushed to the hospital is more evidence for my theory that the american gut biome is uniquely strong and the primary tool we have to maintain our dominance as a world superpower into the 21st century
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
This video (reduced to a 17 second gif) created by British psychological professor Richard Wiseman demonstrates the power of perspective in creating illusions. It’s titled, “Assumptions”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
PENSIVE MAN: the most terrifying enemy we face is the fear within
PERSON WHO NARROWLY SURVIVED A GRIZZLY ATTACK: or a bear
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
Receptionist at the Dentist: What’s your availability six months from now?
Me: I don’t know my availability SIX MINUTES from now!
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]