I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
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Never date someone just for their body. Intros, conclusions, and section transitions matter.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
Me: *gets up to go pee*
My dog: *snaps awake from a dead sleep* FOLLOW YOU INTO THE BATHROOM & KEEP WATCH, GOT IT!
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
-watches two minutes of the news
-locks kids in their rooms forever
If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
When I was little I asked my dad if I was adopted.
Dad: LOL! Why in the world would we have chosen you?
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
