Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
You Might Also Like
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
No, YOUR illiterate.
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
The wife told me to stop acting childish this morning and I really couldn’t say anything back, I wasn’t speechless I just had a whole donut in my mouth.
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Cling wrap is for people who want to save food but also wrestle a bear.
when i was a teenager my dad said “never feel guilty about not working, the rich dont feel guilty about it so why should you?” and it was a cool bit of parenting advice i think
gimme fuel
gimme fire
gimme reba mcentire
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
If you’re hungry, you can say “I’d kill for a doughnut,” and it’s fine. But any other crime sounds suspicious.
“I’d commit insider trading for a cruller right now.”
“Oh man, I’d totally burn down a warehouse for a bear claw.”
“Give me a jelly filled or I’ll shiv you.”
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Thrilling chase underway
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
