[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
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Sometimes I’ll watch the way my chest hair sways back and forth before a fan on medium and think this must be exactly what Jane Eyre saw looking out over the moors or something
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
So glad my cats are trained to check if I’m sleeping o.k. every 10 minutes starting g at 4 am.
Sorry I’m late but my goldfish needed a bath.
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
Birds & Planes.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a guy, on the side of the highway reciting the alphabet backwards and trying to walk a straight line.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
When men ask you out, you say no, and they demand an explanation: buddy what is this, high school gym class, do I need to hand you a note from my mom like “sorry Isabel is excused from dating random men on the bus today”
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.