Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
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No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
Liquidity is the only difference between soup, stew and a casserole. There, I said it.
The word “lovely” is only ever used if you hate someone. This is a fact and I will die on this hill. Also, my mother in law is absolutely lovely.
Do you think when Spider-Man gets stoned with Batman and the Hulk he sometimes thinks the spider on his chest is real and freaks out?
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
I’m keeping my wedding small. Probably won’t have a bride.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Everyone is critical of British cuisine but if you think that our food is bad you’re going to lose your minds when you see our everything else.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
Me: check it out, this guy is selling new iPhones for $20
Her: they’re probably phoney
Me: *unvelcro-ing wallet* I hope so, they’re phones
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
We know he can swim but…
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
When I’m in a room full of toddlers, I can’t help but scan it for potential serial killers
You can tell a lot by a guy’s teeth.
For instance, if they’re three feet long, that’s no man; that’s a hippo.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.