My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
My wife is pregnant and we met the doctor that said he would deliver our baby.
I told him that I would prefer our baby to still have his or her liver
You know when you tap the You Tube video to see how much longer it has left…I wish I can do that with people when they are talking to me
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.
Doctor: “You have acute appendicitis.”
Me: *blushing* “Oh you. I bet you say that to all your patients.”
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
if you ever think that you’re having a bad day just remember, there once was a lady who lived in a shoe
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Real House Wines.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Good morning.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
I just don’t get life insurance. Why would I want to give my family a financial incentive to kill me?
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
