Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

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How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo

[Applebee’s, 49 BC]

waiter: what would you like, sir

Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*

waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*

What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?

My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.

The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.

His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.

I want my daughters to work where they want to work, live how they want to live, and love who they want to love.

But more than that, I want them to CLOSE THE CABINET DOORS WHEN THEY ARE DONE GETTING A PLATE

insane our parents had to make multiple bad decisions to go bankrupt, we just have to get in an ambulance one time

Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing

Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.

My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.

My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.

I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.

I’m 36 years old.

“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”

– the Pixar Logo

Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.

Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”

No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole

There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!

“NO SHIT!”

~Urinals

Heads up guys. It’s bloody Colin again. #DamnYouAutocorrect

Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.

Shows used to take a quick break for the summer and be back with 22 more episodes but I’m not even kidding when I say I’ve had an entire pregnancy, birthed a child, she has learned to walk and talk in the time it has taken for Severence to not even come out with a season 2 yet

Interviewer: congrats you got the security guard job
Me: *already asleep on a folding chair*
Interviewer: hang on u don’t start til monday

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

It’s beginning to look a lot like *Christmas.

*the kids are doing what they’re told so I stop threatening to return their gifts.

My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”

My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”

Me:……….

I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.