Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
Restaurant toilets are dangerous!
So many of my dates have gone to use them and vanished!
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
I hope none of the people I vowed to “help hide a body” ever actually need my help
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Me: *giggling* No you hang up first..
Pizza hut: Sir, please stop doing this..
Having switched her bedroom light off last night, I softly said goodnight to my 11yr old. Tenderly moving her hair from her face and telling her that I loved her, she looked at me and responded with:
“Your teeth are illuminous.”
Diet Tip: Your pants can’t get too tight if you never wear any
j o i m p
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Something crazy about Hollywood’s silent film age is that a guy will be driving a train off a cliff while being attacked by lions and you’ll think “Wow, how’d they do that effect!” then you look it up and they literally had lions attack a guy while he drove a train off a cliff
Top advice for résumés: Be VERY careful with placement of dashes.
Ex. – First-hand job experience = good.
First hand-job experience = bad.
I never knew an entire box of cereal was a serving size until I had a teenage son.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
When I go into a gas station I always make sure I look cute and whistful because it’ll be the last footage people see of me if I get abducted and go missing. They’ll be crying, “her hair was on point 😭😭😭” “of course she got a Dr Pepper 😭 classic Summer”