Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.

me hitting on a model

[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”

Everybody loves that comfort food until you end up with that comfort body.

After playing guitar all these years, I thought I’d give piano a try. But that’s not an easy instrument to pick up.

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”

And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”

Parenthood has made me so mature.

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.

Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

When someone asks me a question that I can tell is gonna turn a rude corner, I like to trap them with my Keep Going facial expression. Eyebrows lifted, face tilted, slight smile. And then I wait, ready with a pleasant Yikes.

Me: For the twelfth day of Christmas, I got…

My true love: IF IT’S ANOTHER BIRD, I’M GOING TO LOSE MY SHIT.

Saturday

Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.

any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly

Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead

Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.

We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.

Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD

mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night

inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma

So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.

[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*

They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”

My oldest chicken is going through henopause

waiter: would you like a table?

me: yes, the multiplication please

Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you

Who called pee urine when it’s clearly holey water?

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

[second date]

“April Fools”

*gets up and leaves