British websites use biscuits.
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Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
When my wife gets upset at me I sneak into her Netflix profile and give thumbs up to the most boring documentaries
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Schools: Children need consistency and routine
Also schools: Daily class times will be the lucky numbers from your fortune cookie
[prison]
So, what are you in for?
*flashes back to trying to collect and breed crows*
“Attempted murder”
rest in peas
My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
I’ve never felt more geriatric than when I just looked up movie times and audibly gasped at the audacity of a 9:45 pm start. No sir! I will be 30 min into my melatonin induced coma by then.