My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
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superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Got a piece of mail today addressed to “Epic” instead of “Eric” and finally somebody truly gets me.
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Nobody harasses you on the street when you walk around wearing a belt made of live cats.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
5 ways to appear taller
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
prepare for carbonated trouble
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
what do you want
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage