I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
I just play poker so I can say I’m going all in without smirking.
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Heavy is the head of the parent who tries to watch a movie
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE
THOR – “here”
HULK – “here”
IRON MAN – “here”
CAPT. AMERICA – “here”
USELESS ARROW GUY – …
I SAID-
HAWKEYE- I HEARD YOU
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
i have never been so disappointed in all of my life
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboyOn a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horseI:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘rideI’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive