Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.

I feel like the “how to” book of my life was written in braille…and that shortly after I became an adult, someone clipped off my fingertips with pruning shears.

Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?

No way you’re all at church.

doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!

My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.

Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”

Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”

My uncle got stuck in a cloud while skydiving and lived for 72 days by drinking rain and eating birds that flew too close

Yet the one time I did, I got banned

*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol

hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.

me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew

Lawyer: So after the kidnapper locked you in a box, you managed to escape, fought him, then got away through a wind tunnel while being chased. Can you show the court how this happened?

Mime artist: *cracks knuckles, smiles*

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend

Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either

Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs

My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.

I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.

I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.

Here, there, and everywhere.

I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.

When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.

Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic

I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.

me: awhinersayswhat?

daughter: what?

*my wife and I high five*

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.