Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it

it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something

Maybe jesus needs me in his life

One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.

Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.

microsoft: want to make this a trusted document?

me: yes

[next time opening the document]

microsoft: what the hell is this. i’m scared

Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.

*lays down on the battlefield*

You all go on without me. I’m tired.

Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.

At the store, I selected some tortillas, turned and found a woman strolling wordlessly away with my shopping cart, leading me to the realization I had left MY cart in frozen foods and just casually stolen and done 50 feet of browsing with hers, confirming I am bad at everything.

Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat

My auto reply to texts:

I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .

I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.

You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.

NOW HIRING: An employee

JOB REQUIREMENTS: 96 years experience already working at this job you’re applying for

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke

Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.

PRIEST: Those are your vows?

To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.

Hello, I am a dollar-store towel. I look almost normal but am made entirely of petroleum and repel moisture more effectively than a raincoat

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

we had to replace our dishwasher a few months ago and i genuinely had to argue with the store that i wanted the stupidest machine they had. there is not a single situation in the world in which my dishwasher needs wifi

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.

Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.

Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying

Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning

Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting

1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…

2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?

*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up

911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?

You’re telling me this life crisis is mid