You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
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Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
date: what do you do for a living?
me: i make trojan horses
date: that’s not what i’d expect
me: yah that’s the idea
*first day as a Walmart greeter*
Me: You know Target’s still open, right?
tfw you realize …
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
and this one
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
at ease…shoulder.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
*calling my dealer* yeah i’ll take two boxes of thin mints and a box of tagalongs
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true