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I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands
I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
I let an AT&T Customer Service Representative call me Brenda for a half hour because I was too embarrassed to correct him
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
Husband: I can’t find the remote. Are you sitting on it again?
Me: No.
Husband: Stand up.
Me: I don’t want to.
Husband: Why?
Me: Because I’m probably sitting on the remote.
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I love that you can say “pardon my french” and then say a swear and everyone’s like “ok, I was warned” but if you said “pardon my French” and spoke French someone would hit you in the knees with a bike chain
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
My husband just walked into the living room and saw me chilling on the couch, then went back into his office… and suddenly I hear him telling his gaming friends “Hannah is begging me to go hang out with her, sorry guys I gotta go now”
I am my husband’s “my mom said no” 💀😂💀😂
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats