Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.
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Amazing how fast my addiction to my phone is cured the moment I get a phone call.
the fridge is too full so now i’m stuck here drinking all the wine
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
I want to run away and live in a forest but like with my phone.
Date: I’m excited to taste your cooking. When will it be ready?
Me: In a minute I’ll have to peel back the plastic, stir and re-cover.
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
the worst pressure is when you’re replying to a text with a word you can’t spell and you know they’re going to wonder why it took you 5 minutes to type “I’ll bring hors d’oeuvres”
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
A new study done by economists says the American dream now costs approximately 4.4 million dollars or one roll of duct tape and two to three celebrity children
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
No one:
My 3yo: I’m going to go sit on the baby!
[showing off scars]
ME: *lifting shirt* I’ve had this one for as long as I can remember
HER: that’s your bellybutton
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.