No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
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Friend nagged me for TDKR OST. Renamed Backstreet Boys song and mailed them to him. Fun.
I hereby declare this fall as The Fall of B!
Oh wait.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Me: [a puppy mediator in the old west] get along, little doggies
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!
hamster: finally!!!
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
A homeless man asked me for money. I had 10 dollars in my pocket and didn’t want it wasted on alcohol so I gave it to him.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
long distance relationships can work if the 4 of you all truly trust each other.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.