I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
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These modern phones are great but I miss the days of old Nokias… you know if you were out and needed a hammer, a weapon or even an anchor for a boat.. voila
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
My favorite Christmas movies are A Christmas Story, A Charlie Brown Christmas and The Exorcist
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
I started the day with a migraine, and I ended it by watching the debate. One of those was the most painful 90 minutes of my day. The other was a migraine.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
Doctor Informs Patient Weird Lump On Neck Nothing He Can Afford To Worry About
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
Oh boy, $150,000!
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
My biological clock is telling me it’s lunch time
God has left this place
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.